What I had to give up in order to transform my life
I spent my 30’s and the first part of my 40’s weighing myself every day. I was convinced that all I had to do was lose the last 5 kilos and I would be happier, healthier and more successful. Even when I lost weight I still thought I needed to lose 5 more kilos. I was never satisfied which meant I never felt happy, healthy or successful.
Some mornings I’d wake up feeling sexy, strong and confident (because I’d been restricting calorie and, I’d done a hard core work out) and so I’d be convinced that the scales would tell me I’d lost weight. Quite often my weight hadn’t changed or even worse, I’d put weight on and my confidence would crumble in an instant.
When I look back on it, it doesn’t make sense… how could I feel amazing and then not because of some numbers on the scale.
Now that I’m studying for a Diploma of Counselling I know that is is called having an external locus of evaluation. This means that I evaluated my self-worth based on external sources - in this case, the scale.
Of course when you rely on external sources to make you happy, you’ll probably never be happy.
(Watch the video for more information)
While all of this was going I was also battling Stage 4 Endometriosis and in 2017 my surgeon and I decided that a hysterectomy would be best, including removing my ovaries. So at 43 I was instantly in menopause and as a personal trainer and health coach I knew that my weight would be a lot harder to control. While I was in hospital I received what I call a divine message and was told, “Emma, you’ve punished your body for long enough, and now it’s time to love your body.”
Putting those two things together I decided to ditch the scale. It was hard because it had been the determinant of my self-esteem for so long but I knew it was time to start trusting myself and my body.
To be honest, I’ve never looked back. Over the last 5 years I have learned so much about Health at Every Size and how weight is not the only factor in being healthy and that everyone is beautiful in their own way.
Now days my locus of evaluation is internal meaning that my self-worth is determined by what I feel about myself and I don’t really worry about others think of me. And as one of my clients told me recently, I “glow with my enjoyment for life” which is so different to when my weight on a scale used to how good my day was going to be.
What could you give up in order to transform your life? Tell me in the comments.