Are you getting basic self-care?
In a shock move, Jacinda Ardern resigned as Prime Minister of New Zealand this week saying she didn’t “have enough left in the tank” to do the job. I see that as the ultimate act of self-care. I’m waiting to see if she is knocked by the media and commentators for being “selfish” or “weak”, (of course she will be), but in this article I’ll explain why self-care is never selfish and shows a lot of strength.
Why do you need self-care?
Self-care is perhaps the most important tool for your well-being. Not only does it support your physical health, it plays a huge part in maintaining mental health too. Without self-care, we are more likely to experience burnout. This is when a person experiences complete mental and physical exhaustion which can lead to depression and anxiety, a lack of motivation, and even excessive alcohol or other substances use.
Besides experiencing burnout, a lack of self-care means we aren’t truly experiencing life. If we don’t have time to do the things that nurture us and make us happy and relaxed, then it could mean we are overly focused on work, chores, and other obligations.
For some of us, however, this is not a choice. If you are on a low income you may need to work longer hours to make ends meet. If you live in a larger body, you may feel compelled to take on more punishing exercise or a more intense food regimen to placate your loved ones or doctors who are “concerned” about your health.
It’s important to acknowledge the privilege you must have to practice regular self-care.
Barriers to practicing self-care
There are many reasons why people don’t practice self-care. I’ll share the most common ones and it might help you realise what is holding you back.
Stress/multi-tasking/feeling overwhelmed
When we have a lot on our plate and a (sometimes perceived) sense of urgency to these tasks, it can feel very difficult to prioritise self-care practices. I once made someone on social media very angry when I spoke of self-care because she felt I wasn’t acknowledging people like her who have a lot on their plate. She was rearing her grandchildren and working full-time while also dealing with other family stressors. I completely agree that when you are in a situation like this, it is impossible to look after all elements of self-care, but there are always small things you can do to support yourself like taking mindful breaths a few times a day or writing down one thing you are grateful for every night. It’s not a “perfect” practice but it’s something.
Diet culture
Diet culture robs us in many ways, but I think the worst way is that it takes away from self-care practices. Diet culture is the antithesis of self-care because it doesn’t factor in your life, your stressors (see above), your body shape, or your physical or emotional needs. We can still take care of our health without needing to partake in diet culture and in fact there are tools like intuitive eating that are centered on self-care and support our health in a much better way than going on a restrictive diet.
Illness
Recently I had COVID and as someone who lives alone, I was hard-pressed to take care of all my needs. I wasn’t sleeping well. I found it hard to eat properly. I didn’t get outside much. My lungs weren’t up for taking 5 deep mindful breaths. I couldn’t do my normal exercise routine (but I did love this yoga practice). However, due to my regular practice of self-care, when I wasn’t well, I was able to be 100% forgiving to myself for not doing all the other things. Some people live with chronic illness (I do too) and on bad days or when things flare up, self-care can be impossible. That’s where self-compassion (which I’ll discuss a bit later) comes in.
Mindset/thoughts/believing we aren’t worthy
A big reason why people take on too much is that they lack self-worth. They believe they must do all the things to be loved. Similarly, some people have been raised to believe that being idle is immoral therefore they find it hard to stop and rest. Another example in this category is the perception of urgency. I often find myself in this category. I think if I don’t get something done NOW then I’ll be letting someone down. Or if I don’t do it now, I’ll forget completely. I have started to realise taking a break before fixing a problem or completing a task can often work in my favour. Someone else might fix it or I might come up with a simpler solution. I’ve learned over the years that unless you work in the emergency department of a hospital, there’s not much in life that is truly an emergency. That feeling is often dictated by a mindset rather than truth.
Economic disadvantage
As mentioned before, if you have to work multiple jobs to keep the lights on or you have debt collectors banging on your door, then self-care may have to be put on the back burner. Optimistically I’d argue that there are still small things you can do that might make small improvements in your life if you are in this category but again, I don’t want to minimise the impact a lack of privilege can have on being able to practice regular self-care.
Types of self-care
Physical
This category includes things such as getting enough exercise and sleep, eating well and taking time out to rest. Other examples are giving up smoking or reducing alcohol consumption. Traditional forms of self-care like massages, facials, manis and pedis lso fit in this category.
Psychological
This is where you can work on your mindset and beliefs about yourself. It can be helpful during periods of extreme stress to engage a counsellor, psychologist or coach to give you support. I would also argue that the best time to practice self-care in this area is when everything is going well in your life. You may have more space and time to work on yourself so you can support yourself when times are tough.
Emotional
In this category I’d put making time to spend with friends and loved ones. I’d also include setting boundaries and learning to overcome the guilt of saying no. It’s also the processing of your feelings and allowing them to be felt. This can be very cathartic and allow you to move on and let go.
Spiritual
This is often an underrated form of self-care that gets overlooked. According to the Oxford Dictionary, spirituality is “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.” Some people find spirituality in organised religion, some in practicing mindfulness, some in tarot, crystals and essential oils, and others by being in nature. In this busy, money-driven world, taking time to connect to your spirit or soul is essential and rewarding.
Workplace
Jacinda Ardern has shown us that work-life balance isn’t always achievable and I have to agree. Sometimes work is the most important part of your life and other times the focus needs to be on family or friends. The thing we most often put to the end of the queue is ourselves. Over the years I have worked in places that didn’t look too favourably on sick leave - or they did on the surface but there was no one to back you up if you were away so you just had a pile of work to get on with when you got back from sick or annual leave. I have now found a workplace that truly values employees and supports them and their roles when they are way. They exist! If you need better support from an employer, keep looking for something new until you get it!
The self-care basics you need to know
So, here’s the big question… are you getting self-care basics? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you exercise regularly? Do you eat regularly? Can you say no? Do you use alcohol as a relaxation tool? Do you feel guilty for “not being productive”? How often do you see friends? Do you get outdoors regularly?
If reading that last paragraph makes you think you’re not getting enough self-care, you’re probably right. This might be your Jacinda Ardern moment when you realise you don’t “have enough left in the tank.” And if that is the case, I want you to know I see you, I feel you, I’ve been you (and occasionally still are). I also want you to know that you are worthy of your own kindness and support. You are allowed to, and in fact need to, relax, rest and practice self-care. Read on to find out how.
How to add more self-care into your life
Create a life (bit by bit) where you can
I was in my late 30’s when I found out what self-care really means. I’d been suffering from endometriosis and had had multiple surgeries while trying to hold down a stressful corporate job. I made a huge change in my life to ditch it all and start again. I realise that not everyone can do that because they have mortgages, kids and other commitments. Instead, think of one small way you’d like to support yourself and work on that one goal. It might be better sleep or getting outside every day. Slowly making changes adds up.
Ask for help
Although it’s called “self”-care it’s hard to do it on your own. You might need the support of a coach to help you prioritise your self-care needs and suggest ways to find space in your life. Or sometimes it can be as simple as asking a friend to mind the kids for a couple of hours a month so you can get a massage and then doing the same for her (acts of kindness is a wonderful mindfulness practice!)
Practice kindness towards yourself
According to Bacon & Aphramor (2011), “Compassion-focused behavior change theory emerging from the eating disorders field suggests that self-acceptance is a cornerstone of self-care, meaning that people with strong self-esteem are more likely to adopt positive health behaviors.” Being unkind to oneself has never produced positive and lasting health changes, so why not try it the other way?
Start small and celebrate wins
I understand if you feel the same way as my angry social media follower. When we are in a state of overwhelm, all this self-care stuff can feel impossible. But I bet you can take 5 deep breaths 3 times a day. There might be resistance because you feel too busy, but if you want things to change, you need to change. Put a reminder on your phone and start with that. At the end of the week, treat yourself to something nice - a piece of cake or a movie you want to watch… keep it up and see if your life starts to change, not because all the stress goes away, but because you change your response to it.
Mindfulness & self-compassion
Learning and practicing mindfulness can be one of the easiest ways to start upping your self-care game. Once you understand the principles, you can start to take them into everyday life which means you are practicing self-care without having to take time out to “do” anything. Mindfulness means “being in the present moment, on purpose without judgement” and can improve the quality of sleep, reduce stress, and let the body relax. It also promotes self-compassion which means you might become better at being kind to yourself and not take so much on!
Now you’ve learned all about the basics of self-care and the effect that it has on your health, be sure to take one small step in the next 24 hours to work on your self-care or book a free 15-min Zoom call with me to see if I can help you.
