How to get a workaholic, people-pleasing, perfectionist yoga teacher to rest
If you know anything about my history, you’ll know that I’ve had a long battle with Stage 4 endometriosis, an invisible, inflammatory, chronic illness that causes cells similar to the lining of the uterus to grow in other parts of the body. This inflammation can cause pain, fatigue, bloating, fertility problems and more. I’ve had 3 surgeries for endo including a full hysterectomy 5 years ago. I would’ve thought that would be that… but no such luck.
Several months ago I started experiencing some of the symptoms again - back pain, deep pain in my non-existent ovaries (I now understand why amputees can feel something where a limb used to be), extreme fatigue. It would be fleeting and I’d almost question myself… that’s not possible is it? (It’s a common thing for us endo sufferers to question ourselves. We are frequently questioned by our doctors. It takes on average 6.5 years to be diagnosed. There are no tests. Endo usually doesn’t show up on scans. The only definitive way to get a diagnosis is to have surgery. Understandably that is a last resort but for the women or people assigned female at birth who suffer from endo it can be very difficult to go through the rigmarole of getting help).
In August I started documenting my symptoms. A day in August. 2 days in September. And then last month all hell broke loose. One day at work I felt nauseous and pain. I went home early. The next day my lower belly swelled up like I was 7 months pregnant. And the pain. The pain was awful. Deep. Stabbing. All encompassing. I was distraught. I had my uterus, cervix, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed for this?
But still I kept up my workaholic ways. Some days I start my work at 6.45am and don’t stop until I finish the day at 7.30pm. I teach my early morning fitness class for my Fit & Free members (because I friggin love it) then I go to work at the library (because books) and then I go and teach a yoga class in the evenings (because yoga). When I’m well, this is a surprisingly easy day. I’ve chosen this life and I absolutely love it.
When I’m not well, that’s when my people-pleasing and perfectionism comes in. Like most of us, I hate to let people down. Being a classic Virgo, I also like to get things “just right.” Tick off all the to-dos and get a couple of extra things done. And I HATE letting the endo win.
In October I experienced a full 7 days of pain, bloating and fatigue. During that time I had an appointment with my GP (It had taken more than 4 weeks to get in to see her). I told her that I was experiencing endo symptoms. She said, “Well, let’s wait and see if that’s the case.” She proceeded to ask me about my symptoms, checking them off a list. My heart dropped. I know it’s unusual to have endo after a hysterectomy but it happens. I felt like I was trying to prove myself all over again. I questioned myself. “Am I really feeling pain? Is it all in my head?” (My counsellor clarified a couple of weeks later that if I feel pain, then it’s really happening. A former-nurse friend backed this up). I was asked by my GP to take a urine test and when I returned to her office she said, “yes it does appear to be endo.” Duh.
Apparently when I was recently put on HRT to combat potential osteoporosis that could be a side affect of my other chronic illness (oh yeah, lucky me, I have two. What can I say, I’m an overachiever), I was put on estrogen only and I should have been put on a combined estrogen/progesterone patch. Fuck. Like quite simply, Fuck. Through no fault of my own, the most traumatic thing that has ever happened in my life was back. (Let me clarify, it’s no one’s “fault” that they get endometriosis. But this just seemed cruel).
Shortly after this I had a whole week of good days. No pain. No bloating. Great energy levels. I told a friend that it was good to remember that endo was rarely there all the time. And that I find it so hard because when I am well, I feel GREAT! That’s how I manage my 12+ hour days. It’s also because I LOVE my life. I love every single thing about it. Where I live, what I do for a living, my singleness, my fur-baby. But endo. I don’t love endo.
The day after I told this to my friend, I ended up in ED. I was cleaning my shower (I stand by my belief that cleaning isn’t good for us haha) and I noticed a very sharp pain in my left side under my rib cage. I instantly googled, “what does a broken rib feel like?” even though I knew it couldn’t be that as I hadn’t had an accident of any kind. I rang Healthline Direct, a free telehealth service in Australia, and the registered nurse assessed me and told me to see a doctor within 6 hours. It was Sunday so I went to ED. After a few hours the doc decided I “probably” had a viral stomach issue (or maybe, but probably not, don’t really know to be honest, it was related to the endo). She told me to take a week off all physical activity. No yoga, no Fit & Free. Nothing.
And that’s what it took to get a workaholic, people-pleasing, perfectionist yoga teacher to stop. And it was bliss. I had a couple of days of no endo pain. The pain under my ribs went away. My students were very kind and sent lots of good wishes. I was sent lots of cake.
But today the pain came back. It’s going to be a tough few months (the GP hopes it will settle after being on the new HRT for 3 months). I have made a vow to myself to cherish the good days. To remind myself how lucky I am to to have built this amazing life. I’ve started talking about living with endo with my colleagues at the library. I’ve learned that I’m not alone (and of course I’m not - 1 in 9 women, girls and gender diverse people suffer from endometriosis). And now I’m sharing this post. Not to get sympathy (but cake is always welcome!) The reason I am sharing this post is to raise awareness and maybe some money for research too. Please consider donating here.